Genghis Khan

troll13The lurking spambot who writes drivel, copied and pasted from wikipedia, he infiltrates our happy fluffy comment boxes and forums so he can sell us his knock off handbags, shoes and viagra. He must die.
troll13The lurking spambot who writes drivel, copied and pasted from wikipedia, he infiltrates our happy fluffy comment boxes and forums so he can sell us his knock off handbags, shoes and viagra. He must die.
troll13The lurking spambot who writes drivel, copied and pasted from wikipedia, he infiltrates our happy fluffy comment boxes and forums so he can sell us his knock off handbags, shoes and viagra. He must die.
nurse on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5017916052/”>troll14He is as wise as only a seventeen year old can be. He spends a LOT of time in his bedroom, healing acne-ridden, cure terribly shy and unpopular at school. He reads books and listens to music, though neither is the kind that his schoolmates read or listen to. He is expecting to get into a decent university. His parents are very proud of him and give him FAR too much attention when he explains what he did at school this week, and what he has been reading recently. He spurns the fripperies of the social networking and music sites. Instead he reads the more political sites on line, the journalist blogs and opinion pages where he seeks out left wingers, mentions of inclusive social policies, protectionist practices, welfare states, kindness, woolly minded liberalness and bashes out in capital letters “HAVEN’T YOU READ ANY AYN RAND, YOU BUFFOON???”.

(He later gets into Cambridge and after a couple of years has joined the Footlights…. and writes an amusing sketch about Atlas shrugging.)
Troll #15 “”

viagra on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5021985599/”>troll15So, imagine there’s this bloke and once, when he was a foul drip of a seventeen year old, some guy (for the sake of argument let’s call him Rogério) called him a name that he didn’t like (the name wasn’t THAT bad).

Roll forward twenty years and Mr “AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH” has been stewing away on what “Rogério” called him, spending all his energy on persuading himself that “Rogério” was wrong, trying to climb whatever ladder he is on, marrying the first girl that would have him (he has since lived to regret THAT decision) and being generally unfulfilled in life…. until one day and he finds “Rogério” authoring a blog or heading a forum… and all his unfulfilled dreams, frustrations and pain come out in bilious, confused messages of HATE to this “Rogério”, such as “GET BACK UP THE ARSE THAT YOU FELL FROM, IF YOU EVER FALL OUT OF IT!!” or “YOU ARE FOPWASSOCK, LEARN TO WRITE, ASS, YOU CAN’T WRITE, YOU WRITE SHIT, WRITE UP YOUR ARSE!”

Sure, this “Rogério” has a different surname to the one he had twenty years ago, and today he is a liberal leftie pinko commie but back then he was the BIGGEST fan that Mr. Salazar EVER had, but Mr “AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH” holds onto his mis-recognised nemesis and follows him round the net for YEARS until his horrible harpie of a wife has him checked into a special place with soft walls.

Troll #16 “Rectifyer”

troll16It’s not his fault he was born without a scrap of a sense of humour.

It is enough for you to write four words on the internet for him to find you and write a thesis long comment in your blog about why you are wrong, that you have missed all the salient points, that what you refer to has been mythologized since the dawn of civilization and in an entirely different sense from the one you are using, that scientifically you must bear certain facts in mind and disease and crop devastation must be put into the equation, that you should really be careful before making such pronouncements as they are likely to cause wrong thinking in other, more impressionable, less educated visitors to your blog.

All you said was “I love fluffy bunnies”.

Troll #17 “Free Esprit”

troll17She regards herself as supremely open-minded and free-spirited. This she reflects in her outward appearance with her wardrobe, gaudy jewellery, retro make-up and short hair. She lives in an extremely chintzy flat, that suffers from an excessive attention to detail… she has a lot of time on her hands at weekends. She thinks she is somewhat of an intellectual. Her bookshelves are full of Paulo Coelho and Saramago translations, and all the Dan Browns are scattered around her sofa.

On the internet, she meanders open-mindedly and free-spiritedly round the “literary” blogs and websites, absolutely NOTHING else appeals to her… and she goes about the place nodding in agreement, silently to herself.

Occasionally, though, she leaves her literary safe zone, purely by accident, and finds herself in a blog whose author also believes themselves to be open-minded and free-spirited and writes thus…. and writes a few things that “Free Esprit” doesn’t agree with.

Instead of thinking, “hum, there is someone there who is open-minded and free-spirited like me, and they think differently to me. How interesting”, she writes a ludicrous, longwinded, patronising comment, in the most closed-minded imprisoned-spirited way. She stews over it all weekend and goes back regularly to her comment to re-read what she has written.

She concludes that she really ought to write a book, she is THAT good.

Troll #18 “Messenger”

troll18This is the comment box evangelist we all run away from. The illustrated version is, of course, the christian evangelist, but internet evangelism is a very inclusive religion, from Christianity to Islam, from Hummer drivers to Prius drivers, from Mac users to PC users, from Michael Jackson lovers to Michael Jackson joke makers, dreary bastards all of them trying to persuade you that theirs is the only way and your way is the wrong way….You haven’t seen the light yet, you poor lamb, YOU will thank me when you find the love of Jesus/the hybrid/the Mac/Michael Jackson.

Generally, they are not nasty, just BORING and overly sincere and repetitive, one trick ponies, and it is really hard to tell them to just fuck right off, just in case the only way to heaven IS via the hybrid car. When it comes to the Mac/PC wars, however, things can get just stupidly heated, when opposing evangelists clash in the same box. It is best to close comments on that page and WALK AWAY.
order on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5021985599/”>troll15So, cialis 40mg
imagine there’s this bloke and once, viagra when he was a foul drip of a seventeen year old, some guy (for the sake of argument let’s call him Rogério) called him a name that he didn’t like (the name wasn’t THAT bad).

Roll forward twenty years and Mr “AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH” has been stewing away on what “Rogério” called him, spending all his energy on persuading himself that “Rogério” was wrong, trying to climb whatever ladder he is on, marrying the first girl that would have him (he has since lived to regret THAT decision) and being generally unfulfilled in life…. until one day and he finds “Rogério” authoring a blog or heading a forum… and all his unfulfilled dreams, frustrations and pain come out in bilious, confused messages of HATE to this “Rogério”, such as “GET BACK UP THE ARSE THAT YOU FELL FROM, IF YOU EVER FALL OUT OF IT!!” or “YOU ARE FOPWASSOCK, LEARN TO WRITE, ASS, YOU CAN’T WRITE, YOU WRITE SHIT, WRITE UP YOUR ARSE!”

Sure, this “Rogério” has a different surname to the one he had twenty years ago, and today he is a liberal leftie pinko commie but back then he was the BIGGEST fan that Mr. Salazar EVER had, but Mr “AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH” holds onto his mis-recognised nemesis and follows him round the net for YEARS until his horrible harpie of a wife has him checked into a special place with soft walls.
decease on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5025173245/”>troll16It’s not his fault he was born without a scrap of a sense of humour.

It is enough for you to write four words on the internet for him to find you and write a thesis long comment in your blog about why you are wrong, drugstore that you have missed all the salient points, that what you refer to has been mythologized since the dawn of civilization and in an entirely different sense from the one you are using, that scientifically you must bear certain facts in mind and disease and crop devastation must be put into the equation, that you should really be careful before making such pronouncements as they are likely to cause wrong thinking in other, more impressionable, less educated visitors to your blog.

All you said was “I love fluffy bunnies”.
viagra on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5025173457/”>troll17She regards herself as supremely open-minded and free-spirited. This she reflects in her outward appearance with her wardrobe, gaudy jewellery, retro make-up and short hair. She lives in an extremely chintzy flat, that suffers from an excessive attention to detail… she has a lot of time on her hands at weekends. She thinks she is somewhat of an intellectual. Her bookshelves are full of Paulo Coelho and Saramago translations, and all the Dan Browns are scattered around her sofa.

On the internet, she meanders open-mindedly and free-spiritedly round the “literary” blogs and websites, absolutely NOTHING else appeals to her… and she goes about the place nodding in agreement, silently to herself.

Occasionally, though, she leaves her literary safe zone, purely by accident, and finds herself in a blog whose author also believes themselves to be open-minded and free-spirited and writes thus…. and writes a few things that “Free Esprit” doesn’t agree with.

Instead of thinking, “hum, there is someone there who is open-minded and free-spirited like me, and they think differently to me. How interesting”, she writes a ludicrous, longwinded, patronising comment, in the most closed-minded imprisoned-spirited way. She stews over it all weekend and goes back regularly to her comment to re-read what she has written.

She concludes that she really ought to write a book, she is THAT good.
purchase on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5017916052/”>troll14He is as wise as only a seventeen year old can be. He spends a LOT of time in his bedroom, case acne-ridden, terribly shy and unpopular at school. He reads books and listens to music, though neither is the kind that his schoolmates read or listen to. He is expecting to get into a decent university. His parents are very proud of him and give him FAR too much attention when he explains what he did at school this week, and what he has been reading recently. He spurns the fripperies of the social networking and music sites. Instead he reads the more political sites on line, the journalist blogs and opinion pages where he seeks out left wingers, mentions of inclusive social policies, protectionist practices, welfare states, kindness, woolly minded liberalness and bashes out in capital letters “HAVEN’T YOU READ ANY AYN RAND, YOU BUFFOON???”.

(He later gets into Cambridge and after a couple of years has joined the Footlights…. and writes an amusing sketch about Atlas shrugging.)
ambulance on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5025173245/”>troll16It’s not his fault he was born without a scrap of a sense of humour.

It is enough for you to write four words on the internet for him to find you and write a thesis long comment in your blog about why you are wrong, healing that you have missed all the salient points, that what you refer to has been mythologized since the dawn of civilization and in an entirely different sense from the one you are using, that scientifically you must bear certain facts in mind and disease and crop devastation must be put into the equation, that you should really be careful before making such pronouncements as they are likely to cause wrong thinking in other, more impressionable, less educated visitors to your blog.

All you said was “I love fluffy bunnies”.

Troll #17 “Free Esprit”

troll17She regards herself as supremely open-minded and free-spirited. This she reflects in her outward appearance with her wardrobe, gaudy jewellery, retro make-up and short hair. She lives in an extremely chintzy flat, that suffers from an excessive attention to detail… she has a lot of time on her hands at weekends. She thinks she is somewhat of an intellectual. Her bookshelves are full of Paulo Coelho and Saramago translations, and all the Dan Browns are scattered around her sofa.

On the internet, she meanders open-mindedly and free-spiritedly round the “literary” blogs and websites, absolutely NOTHING else appeals to her… and she goes about the place nodding in agreement, silently to herself.

Occasionally, though, she leaves her literary safe zone, purely by accident, and finds herself in a blog whose author also believes themselves to be open-minded and free-spirited and writes thus…. and writes a few things that “Free Esprit” doesn’t agree with.

Instead of thinking, “hum, there is someone there who is open-minded and free-spirited like me, and they think differently to me. How interesting”, she writes a ludicrous, longwinded, patronising comment, in the most closed-minded imprisoned-spirited way. She stews over it all weekend and goes back regularly to her comment to re-read what she has written.

She concludes that she really ought to write a book, she is THAT good.

Troll #18 “Messenger”

troll18This is the comment box evangelist we all run away from. The illustrated version is, of course, the christian evangelist, but internet evangelism is a very inclusive religion, from Christianity to Islam, from Hummer drivers to Prius drivers, from Mac users to PC users, from Michael Jackson lovers to Michael Jackson joke makers, dreary bastards all of them trying to persuade you that theirs is the only way and your way is the wrong way….You haven’t seen the light yet, you poor lamb, YOU will thank me when you find the love of Jesus/the hybrid/the Mac/Michael Jackson.

Generally, they are not nasty, just BORING and overly sincere and repetitive, one trick ponies, and it is really hard to tell them to just fuck right off, just in case the only way to heaven IS via the hybrid car. When it comes to the Mac/PC wars, however, things can get just stupidly heated, when opposing evangelists clash in the same box. It is best to close comments on that page and WALK AWAY.
buy viagra physician prescription on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5025173457/”>troll17She regards herself as supremely open-minded and free-spirited. This she reflects in her outward appearance with her wardrobe, sickness gaudy jewellery, and retro make-up and short hair. She lives in an extremely chintzy flat, that suffers from an excessive attention to detail… she has a lot of time on her hands at weekends. She thinks she is somewhat of an intellectual. Her bookshelves are full of Paulo Coelho and Saramago translations, and all the Dan Browns are scattered around her sofa.

On the internet, she meanders open-mindedly and free-spiritedly round the “literary” blogs and websites, absolutely NOTHING else appeals to her… and she goes about the place nodding in agreement, silently to herself.

Occasionally, though, she leaves her literary safe zone, purely by accident, and finds herself in a blog whose author also believes themselves to be open-minded and free-spirited and writes thus…. and writes a few things that “Free Esprit” doesn’t agree with.

Instead of thinking, “hum, there is someone there who is open-minded and free-spirited like me, and they think differently to me. How interesting”, she writes a ludicrous, longwinded, patronising comment, in the most closed-minded imprisoned-spirited way. She stews over it all weekend and goes back regularly to her comment to re-read what she has written.

She concludes that she really ought to write a book, she is THAT good.
roll #17 “Free Esprit”

sale there on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5025173457/”>troll17She regards herself as supremely open-minded and free-spirited. This she reflects in her outward appearance with her wardrobe, gaudy jewellery, retro make-up and short hair. She lives in an extremely chintzy flat, that suffers from an excessive attention to detail… she has a lot of time on her hands at weekends. She thinks she is somewhat of an intellectual. Her bookshelves are full of Paulo Coelho and Saramago translations, and all the Dan Browns are scattered around her sofa.

On the internet, she meanders open-mindedly and free-spiritedly round the “literary” blogs and websites, absolutely NOTHING else appeals to her… and she goes about the place nodding in agreement, silently to herself.

Occasionally, though, she leaves her literary safe zone, purely by accident, and finds herself in a blog whose author also believes themselves to be open-minded and free-spirited and writes thus…. and writes a few things that “Free Esprit” doesn’t agree with.

Instead of thinking, “hum, there is someone there who is open-minded and free-spirited like me, and they think differently to me. How interesting”, she writes a ludicrous, longwinded, patronising comment, in the most closed-minded imprisoned-spirited way. She stews over it all weekend and goes back regularly to her comment to re-read what she has written.

She concludes that she really ought to write a book, she is THAT good.

Troll #18 “Messenger”

troll18This is the comment box evangelist we all run away from. The illustrated version is, of course, the christian evangelist, but internet evangelism is a very inclusive religion, from Christianity to Islam, from Hummer drivers to Prius drivers, from Mac users to PC users, from Michael Jackson lovers to Michael Jackson joke makers, dreary bastards all of them trying to persuade you that theirs is the only way and your way is the wrong way….You haven’t seen the light yet, you poor lamb, YOU will thank me when you find the love of Jesus/the hybrid/the Mac/Michael Jackson.

Generally, they are not nasty, just BORING and overly sincere and repetitive, one trick ponies, and it is really hard to tell them to just fuck right off, just in case the only way to heaven IS via the hybrid car. When it comes to the Mac/PC wars, however, things can get just stupidly heated, when opposing evangelists clash in the same box. It is best to close comments on that page and WALK AWAY.
cure on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5026138333/”>troll18This is the comment box evangelist we all run away from. The illustrated version is, prescription of course, the christian evangelist, but internet evangelism is a very inclusive religion, from Christianity to Islam, from Hummer drivers to Prius drivers, from Mac users to PC users, from Michael Jackson lovers to Michael Jackson joke makers, dreary bastards all of them trying to persuade you that theirs is the only way and your way is the wrong way….You haven’t seen the light yet, you poor lamb, YOU will thank me when you find the love of Jesus/the hybrid/the Mac/Michael Jackson.

Generally, they are not nasty, just BORING and overly sincere and repetitive, one trick ponies, and it is really hard to tell them to just fuck right off, just in case the only way to heaven IS via the hybrid car. When it comes to the Mac/PC wars, however, things can get just stupidly heated, when opposing evangelists clash in the same box. It is best to close comments on that page and WALK AWAY.
sickness on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5026138333/”>troll18This is the comment box evangelist we all run away from. The illustrated version is, of course, the christian evangelist, but internet evangelism is a very inclusive religion, from Christianity to Islam, from Hummer drivers to Prius drivers, from Mac users to PC users, from Michael Jackson lovers to Michael Jackson joke makers, dreary bastards all of them trying to persuade you that theirs is the only way and your way is the wrong way….You haven’t seen the light yet, you poor lamb, YOU will thank me when you find the love of Jesus/the hybrid/the Mac/Michael Jackson.

Generally, they are not nasty, just BORING and overly sincere and repetitive, one trick ponies, and it is really hard to tell them to just fuck right off, just in case the only way to heaven IS via the hybrid car. When it comes to the Mac/PC wars, however, things can get just stupidly heated, when opposing evangelists clash in the same box. It is best to close comments on that page and WALK AWAY.
viagra sales on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5026138333/”>troll18This is the comment box evangelist we all run away from. The illustrated version is, sickness of course, the christian evangelist, but internet evangelism is a very inclusive religion, from Christianity to Islam, from Hummer drivers to Prius drivers, from Mac users to PC users, from Michael Jackson lovers to Michael Jackson joke makers, dreary bastards all of them trying to persuade you that theirs is the only way and your way is the wrong way….You haven’t seen the light yet, you poor lamb, YOU will thank me when you find the love of Jesus/the hybrid/the Mac/Michael Jackson.

Generally, they are not nasty, just BORING and overly sincere and repetitive, one trick ponies, and it is really hard to tell them to just fuck right off, just in case the only way to heaven IS via the hybrid car. When it comes to the Mac/PC wars, however, things can get just stupidly heated, when opposing evangelists clash in the same box. It is best to close comments on that page and WALK AWAY.
case on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5026138333/”>troll18This is the comment box evangelist we all run away from. The illustrated version is, sales of course, the christian evangelist, but internet evangelism is a very inclusive religion, from Christianity to Islam, from Hummer drivers to Prius drivers, from Mac users to PC users, from Michael Jackson lovers to Michael Jackson joke makers, dreary bastards all of them trying to persuade you that theirs is the only way and your way is the wrong way….You haven’t seen the light yet, you poor lamb, YOU will thank me when you find the love of Jesus/the hybrid/the Mac/Michael Jackson.

Generally, they are not nasty, just BORING and overly sincere and repetitive, one trick ponies, and it is really hard to tell them to just fuck right off, just in case the only way to heaven IS via the hybrid car. When it comes to the Mac/PC wars, however, things can get just stupidly heated, when opposing evangelists clash in the same box. It is best to close comments on that page and WALK AWAY.
stuff on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/6202558503/”>troll19She has been looking for love for as long as the internet has been switched on. Living under a crust of perma-mascara, the black line that delineates each eye has been spreading for the last twenty years, so that now all that can be seen from beneath her Ramones-ish hair, which she has sported since forever, are two black splodges  Her fuel is wine and rage.

She joins mating dating websites and chooses her victim with simple criteria: He has nice eyes.  He doesn’t live in her town.

She sparks up a conversation, initially friendly and chatty with —  let’s call him — Dave Clown, and for a couple of weeks the conversation continues, becoming a little flirtier all the time.  After a little while she drops in a bit more information about herself: she is in her thirties (well, she WAS in her thirties once upon a time), she runs a successful art gallery (she does Saturday mornings in her ex-husband’s wife’s sister’s craft shop and lives on a mixture of pitiful alimony and whatever the lodger remembers to pay her) and she loves life (she hates it).

She decides he is “the one”.

She starts ramping it up.  Meeting up somewhere in the near future is mentioned:  Dave is keeping it vague, she is already planning the wedding night.  She finds Dave in facebook, befriends him, “likes” everything he posts, whether she has read it or not.  She subscribes, sometimes as herself, sometimes anonymously, to his tumblr, his flickr, his posterous, his delicious, his google+, his twitter, so she can monitor Dave.

Dave starts backing off… at first just a bit annoyed that after just a few weeks she has sent him blurry e-polaroids of herself in a state of grimy undress and made fleeting mentions on facebook of a “new mystery boyf”.  He understands what he’s got himself into when she starts to leave comments on all his blog posts, facebook statuses, photographes, @s all his tweets, obliquely suggesting that she loves him, that they’re destined to be together, that she is already calling herself “Mrs Clown” when she is alone. She stalks the chat rooms and forums that Dave belongs to, obsessively waiting to talk.

Dave tells her, thank you, but no, and by the way, he’s met someone…

She continues.

Dave blocks her, even changes his username where he can, thinking he can hide from her.  He is wrong.  Using one of her anonymous personae, she tricks Dave into revealing who he is and that he has a nutter stalking him…. and with that, she goes off the rails, finally and completely.  She announces everywhere she can that she had a huge (made up) romance with Dave Clown, lists all the sexual acts he performed on her (or rather, didn’t) and that in all the phone/email sex they had (they didn’t) she was faking it (she wasn’t), and explains word for word the cruelty with which he treated her and how he broke up with her the night before they were to travel to Las Vegas to be married by Elvis.

Two weeks later, she has fallen for her next victim and Dave Clown leaves the internet forever, joining a silent monastic order in the Alps.

(this troll inspired by “Sacred Clown” in my comment box)
cialis on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/6206645069/”>troll20He is a real-ale-drinking-green-vegan-crusading-anti-fascist-naked-anti-capitalist-on-a-bicycle, physician and he doesn’t want to be your friend.

He lives alone in a housing association flat in West London. The housing association has long since given up trying to kick him out, ask since he chained himself, naked, to the kitchen plumbing, after his decision to stop paying the rent.  The house is condemned, so it’s only a matter of time before it falls on top of him and the problem will be solved.  He has worked in various jobs, usually council jobs, road-sweeping, park-keeping or grave-digging; jobs that enable him to keep himself to himself.

He loudly proclaims to anyone who will listen that he doesn’t care if no-one likes him (which is lucky) and, these days, most people in his dank local ignore him.  When he was in his twenties he had a couple of girlfriends, but after a while they got tired of being told they were foul, one-dimensional products of a post-industrial consumerist society… that, and the smell.

In his online life, he trawls the comment boxes of all the online broadsheets (he knows there’s no point trying to shame the tabloid comment boxers – they’re beyond shame), looking for people who might think they have a reasonable response or opinion about articles on pretty much anything (pretty much everything except articles about Cheryl Cole… he fancies her something rotten so steers clear of the those comment boxes).  In the snidest, most self-assured, patronising manner, he will attack commenters who have any opinion, pro or contra, on: cars, guns, recycling, capitalism, socialism, fascism, bigotry (he is incapable of recognising that he is the greatest bigot of all), climate change, bicycles, zoos, pets, roads, airports, healthcare, taxes, fashion…

Faced with his great wisdom, everyone, but EVERYONE, is wrong.  Even if someone writes that petrol should be banned, supermarkets burned to the ground, and that we should all be living on mushrooms grown in our own baths (seemingly his greatest desire for the human race), they will be wrong (and, depending on mood and subject, also an idiot/moron/fascist/capitalist pig/racist/sexist/climate denier/holocaust denier) because they didn’t mention the fact that anyone who makes a profit of any kind should be shot on sight and that women should stop wearing makeup as the world population needs to be slashed in two and wearing makeup and high heels are the biggest cause of breeding (except when Cheryl Cole does it).
Troll #19 “The Love Bug”

salve on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/6202558503/”>troll19

She has been looking for love for as long as the internet has been switched on. Living under a crust of perma-mascara, stuff the black line that delineates each eye has been spreading for the last twenty years, case so that now all that can be seen from beneath her Ramones-ish hair, which she has sported since forever, are two black splodges  Her fuel is wine and rage.

She joins mating dating websites and chooses her victim with simple criteria: He has nice eyes.  He doesn’t live in her town.

She sparks up a conversation, initially friendly and chatty with —  let’s call him — Dave Clown, and for a couple of weeks the conversation continues, becoming a little flirtier all the time.  After a little while she drops in a bit more information about herself: she is in her thirties (well, she WAS in her thirties once upon a time), she runs a successful art gallery (she does Saturday mornings in her ex-husband’s wife’s sister’s craft shop and lives on a mixture of pitiful alimony and whatever the lodger remembers to pay her) and she loves life (she hates it).

She decides he is “the one”.

She starts ramping it up.  Meeting up somewhere in the near future is mentioned:  Dave is keeping it vague, she is already planning the wedding night.  She finds Dave in facebook, befriends him, “likes” everything he posts, whether she has read it or not.  She subscribes, sometimes as herself, sometimes anonymously, to his tumblr, his flickr, his posterous, his delicious, his google+, his twitter, so she can monitor Dave.

Dave starts backing off… at first just a bit annoyed that after just a few weeks she has sent him blurry e-polaroids of herself in a state of grimy undress and made fleeting mentions on facebook of a “new mystery boyf”.  He understands what he’s got himself into when she starts to leave comments on all his blog posts, facebook statuses, photographes, @s all his tweets, obliquely suggesting that she loves him, that they’re destined to be together, that she is already calling herself “Mrs Clown” when she is alone. She stalks the chat rooms and forums that Dave belongs to, obsessively waiting to talk.

Dave tells her, thank you, but no, and by the way, he’s met someone…

She continues.

Dave blocks her, even changes his username where he can, thinking he can hide from her.  He is wrong.  Using one of her anonymous personae, she tricks Dave into revealing who he is and that he has a nutter stalking him…. and with that, she goes off the rails, finally and completely.  She announces everywhere she can that she had a huge (made up) romance with Dave Clown, lists all the sexual acts he performed on her (or rather, didn’t) and that in all the phone/email sex they had (they didn’t) she was faking it (she wasn’t), and explains word for word the cruelty with which he treated her and how he broke up with her the night before they were to travel to Las Vegas to be married by Elvis.

Two weeks later, she has fallen for her next victim and Dave Clown leaves the internet forever, joining a silent monastic order in the Alps.

(this troll inspired by “Sacred Clown” in my comment box)

 

Troll #20 “Sage Green”

troll20

He is a real-ale-drinking-green-vegan-crusading-anti-fascist-naked-anti-capitalist-on-a-bicycle, and he doesn’t want to be your friend.

He lives alone in a housing association flat in West London. The housing association has long since given up trying to kick him out, since he chained himself, naked, to the kitchen plumbing, after his decision to stop paying the rent.  The house is condemned, so it’s only a matter of time before it falls on top of him and the problem will be solved.  He has worked in various jobs, usually council jobs, road-sweeping, park-keeping or grave-digging; jobs that enable him to keep himself to himself.

He loudly proclaims to anyone who will listen that he doesn’t care if no-one likes him (which is lucky) and, these days, most people in his dank local ignore him.  When he was in his twenties he had a couple of girlfriends, but after a while they got tired of being told they were foul, one-dimensional products of a post-industrial consumerist society… that, and the smell.

In his online life, he trawls the comment boxes of all the online broadsheets (he knows there’s no point trying to shame the tabloid comment boxers – they’re beyond shame), looking for people who might think they have a reasonable response or opinion about articles on pretty much anything (pretty much everything except articles about Cheryl Cole… he fancies her something rotten so steers clear of the those comment boxes).  In the snidest, most self-assured, patronising manner, he will attack commenters who have any opinion, pro or contra, on: cars, guns, recycling, capitalism, socialism, fascism, bigotry (he is incapable of recognising that he is the greatest bigot of all), climate change, bicycles, zoos, pets, roads, airports, healthcare, taxes, fashion…

Faced with his great wisdom, everyone, but EVERYONE, is wrong.  Even if someone writes that petrol should be banned, supermarkets burned to the ground, and that we should all be living on mushrooms grown in our own baths (seemingly his greatest desire for the human race), they will be wrong (and, depending on mood and subject, also an idiot/moron/fascist/capitalist pig/racist/sexist/climate denier/holocaust denier) because they didn’t mention the fact that anyone who makes a profit of any kind should be shot on sight and that women should stop wearing makeup as the world population needs to be slashed in two and wearing makeup and high heels are the biggest cause of breeding (except when Cheryl Cole does it).

 

Troll #21 “Genghis Khan”

troll21

This is your mild-mannered uncle Bernard, married to your aunt Miriam, retired and living in Kettering.  He reads the Telegraph, deadheads his roses, and quietly thanks the Lord he and Miriam never had children, for that would have meant grandchildren and he really doesn’t have the time for those.   Bernard and Miriam are quite self sufficient and don’t need friends; they have a caravan.

Having seen to the garden, and while Miriam tends to lunch, Bernard retires to his computer, scans through the financial pages of the online broadsheets, and logs in, becoming Genghis Khan.  He slashes his way through the comments boxes with his doom-mongering.  He LOLs at lesser mortals’ knowledge of the debt crisis, putting them right, getting into huge arguments with “The Statinator” and “DOOOMSDay”.

He reminds his readers daily that he has been in various banking institutions for many years and knows and understands all the ins and outs of the world economy.

He reminds them daily that YES, the END IS NIGH, all the banks in the west will collapse, we will be living in a 1930s-style dustbowl and all western money will be worthless, and we all have to start using the yuan and speaking Mandarin, and if the rest of the fools (us) don’t know it, then we haven’t been paying attention, because we’re too stupid, and we will die, soon, in extreme poverty.

He reminds them daily that he doesn’t care if the bottom falls out of the world, as he has prepared for the worst and knows how to survive economic armageddon (he has an allotment).

Until two years ago, Bernard was the accountant for a cleaning company that supplied cleaners to all the big name banks.

 

Troll #22 “Mummy Knows Best”

 

troll22

 

Get yourself knocked up for the first time, go looking for some info and reassurance online on “Preggo-board” or “MumsyWeb” and you will attract the attentions of this delightful troll.

She watches your first tentative steps on the forum, asking about other mothers’ opinions on nappies, breast vs bottle, husbands, parents and in-laws, childcare and all the other dozens of things that you just require a little guidance about, a friendly word or two, because you’re totally out of your comfort zone. She sums up quite quickly that you’re her kind of target, that you need HER kind of guidance and friendly words, and comes in for the kill.

She lures you in, joining in the conversation as an open minded sharing, modern, fun kind of a girl, making you feel comfortable in baring your soul and all your “ideas”…

She really is trying to help…. but it’s not you that she’s trying to help; it’s your unborn child, future generations, the whole planet itself. You cannot be trusted to bring a healthy, balanced child into this fragile world.

For the nappy debate, she is the first to drop into in the discussion the “if Shakespeare had used disposable nappies, those nappies would still be here” argument (in 16th century landfills, presumably). She, of course, uses the modern reusable nappies, which she had to get her mum to buy for her because they are so expensive, and spends so much of her time cleaning the things that she is now prone to leaving the baby naked on the lino, which is good for his “resistance” (to lino and insane women, probably).

If you merely mention considering the possibility that you might have to bottle feed, you are criticised in the roundest terms as “what’s wrong with this world” and a “baby harmer”, as, according to her, no baby who was ever bottle fed has ever gone on to be a “good person” (she doesn’t mention in any of these diatribes that she went through months of therapy to resolve her issues with the baby “violating her space and breasts”).

According to her, all in-laws can sod off, as can husbands and boyfriends (as if she’d even consider having another one of those since she kicked the “baby-father” out because he ate a Big Mac in front of her when she was pregnant), childcare is just wrong and a symptom of the patriarchal society screwing with the wimmins, and if you’re not naked at all possible times with your baby you are depriving him of a valuable future (in therapy).

Her baby, of course, will be vegan and left handed… and in therapy by the time he is school age, although he will be homeschooled. He will leave home at 14.

Your baby will the first of many, and you will be a glorious, happy, relaxed mother who has the good sense to ignore that fuckwit on the forum.

Dedicated to all my pregnant friends online: Carla, Anna and Ann (who is in labour as I write this).

N.B. I’m not anti- or pro- any nappy-boob-bottle-anything…. I AM anti- proselytizing bigotted bores who think it’s their right and duty to tell you off.

N.B. 2.  I apologize to Lee Mack, because she inadvertently looks like him.
sovaldi on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/6209184268/”>troll21This is your mild-mannered uncle Bernard, married to your aunt Miriam, retired and living in Kettering.  He reads the Telegraph, deadheads his roses, and quietly thanks the Lord he and Miriam never had children, for that would have meant grandchildren and he really doesn’t have the time for those.   Bernard and Miriam are quite self sufficient and don’t need friends; they have a caravan.

Having seen to the garden, and while Miriam tends to lunch, Bernard retires to his computer, scans through the financial pages of the online broadsheets, and logs in, becoming Genghis Khan.  He slashes his way through the comments boxes with his doom-mongering.  He LOLs at lesser mortals’ knowledge of the debt crisis, putting them right, getting into huge arguments with “The Statinator” and “DOOOMSDay”.

He reminds his readers daily that he has been in various banking institutions for many years and knows and understands all the ins and outs of the world economy.

He reminds them daily that YES, the END IS NIGH, all the banks in the west will collapse, we will be living in a 1930s-style dustbowl and all western money will be worthless, and we all have to start using the yuan and speaking Mandarin, and if the rest of the fools (us) don’t know it, then we haven’t been paying attention, because we’re too stupid, and we will die, soon, in extreme poverty.

He reminds them daily that he doesn’t care if the bottom falls out of the world, as he has prepared for the worst and knows how to survive economic armageddon (he has an allotment).

Until two years ago, Bernard was the accountant for a cleaning company that supplied cleaners to all the big name banks.

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