Girl Next Door

Troll #4 “Revolutionary Guard”

sildenafil on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5002223657/”>troll3

The troll hereaboveforewith illustrated is the particularly Portuguese version of the archetype, view but the archetype is an international one. He is a late-middle-aged man, in this case a just-taken-early-retirement secondary school teacher who spends his now empty days with reading biographies of left wing politicians, spending too much time in the bars and cafés pontificating and postulating and proselytising about the evils of fascism and/or capitalism (the Portuguese version above is prone to saying “FashSEEEEESSHTA” too often) and reading and quickly responding to the online newspaper opinion columns. The Portuguese version here is a member of the communist party which is inexplicably still regarded as not a joke. In Britain, for example, he would be a member of the Labour Party, firmly OLD Labour.

He has his own blog which has no readers where he writes dismal tracts about poetry and socialism. He spends his afternoons and evenings (while his wife gets home from work and puts the dinner and laundry on) online, looking for “so-called academics” so he can call them “so-called academics” and fascists and idiots for questioning ANYTHING that isn’t covered by his very own version of socialist doctrine. He writes huge comments in overly complicated language, thinking he’s being clever, and gets into arguments with his fellow trolls about particularly uninteresting points barely mentioned in the original blog post or newspaper article. He has quite high blood pressure. He is a git.

Troll #5 “Manga Mama”

troll5

She recently had her first baby, and though the father is around, he’s even more passive agressive than she is. This leads her to spend much of her time online, alone, with the baby slung over her shoulder or clamped to her breast.

The baby, Porphyrea, is much loved, but has in no small way disrupted her life… she barely gets time to disinfect her belly piercing, (the nipple ones have had to go), so feels quite resentful that she isn’t 24 hours with the perfect hair and makeup for her rôle in life, that of manga-pixie-suicide-girl-cutie-pie. She takes her resentment out online, forging deep friendships in mothering forums and blogs by like-dressing girls, only to dash those friendships on the virtual rocks by willfully taking offense from not particularly offensive remarks that aren’t made at her anyway. It is not unknown for her to suggest that she is about to commit troll suicide in very vague terms, leading to a huge upsurge in traffic involving HER.
pilule on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5003276273/”>troll5

She recently had her first baby, seek and though the father is around, health he’s even more passive agressive than she is. This leads her to spend much of her time online, alone, with the baby slung over her shoulder or clamped to her breast.

The baby, Porphyrea, is much loved, but has in no small way disrupted her life… she barely gets time to disinfect her belly piercing, (the nipple ones have had to go), so feels quite resentful that she isn’t 24 hours with the perfect hair and makeup for her rôle in life, that of manga-pixie-suicide-girl-cutie-pie. She takes her resentment out online, forging deep friendships in mothering forums and blogs by like-dressing girls, only to dash those friendships on the virtual rocks by willfully taking offense from not particularly offensive remarks that aren’t made at her anyway. It is not unknown for her to suggest that she is about to commit troll suicide in very vague terms, leading to a huge upsurge in traffic involving HER.
purchase on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5004230617/”>troll6On the outside, physician this troll would not seem to be the prime candidate for being a troll. He has a decent job, cialis sale is quite well educated, is reasonably paid, is not a virgin, might even have a wife and family. However, he is a very bitter man. So bitter that he is seething with rage… not about things that might matter, let’s say hunger in the third world or unjustified violence, no. He seethes with jealousy…. and the best place for him to express that is the internet, where he can be anonymous (he thinks he is quite technically capable, but barely understands the power of the I.P. address). He HATES anyone he perceives as more talented than him. Or who has attained more than him. Or is a woman with any kind of talent. Or is a foreigner who has something to say about their adopted country. Worst is a foreign woman with some talent who has something to say about her adopted country (you MIGHT guess that I have a problem with this arsehole).

His vitriol knows no limits and leaves nasty snipey comments in blog posts, sometimes in a half jokey manner, trying to be clever with his nasty arsey thoughts.

He will end up alone after he alienates everyone in the real world. His only friend will be a bottle of whiskey.
buy viagra on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5006228734/”>troll8By day, he is a mild-mannered social worker. Gentle and kind, he works with under-privileged children or in a drug rehab unit. He is committed to using the correct terminology for every minority condition, and gently and oh so quietly corrects people if they say the wrong thing, like “midget” (little person) or “crackhead fucker” (person of high addictive propensity). He is shy and stutters when ordering even coffee over the counter, especially if it is a girl serving the coffee.

By night, he is “Totenkopf – the Destroyer”. It gives him a sharp thrill to bombard the internet with insane bilious abuse, conjuring images in his comments of violent acts on “sub-humans”, inciting jihad on the jihadists, and willfully seeking to insult (violently and disgustingly, with more shit, blood, bile and piss than you might generally be comfortable with) by saying the unsayable. In one evening of hellfire, he will loudly defend — in separate places — gulags, Guantanamo, lynchings, pogroms, gas chambers, shock and awe, with no affiliations to anything except the unspeakable.

It’s not that he actually believes or desires any of the shit that exudes from his skinny little fingers onto the keyboard — he couldn’t, he contradicts himself with every paragraph — he just craves like a drug the exhilaration that it brings.
Troll #6 “Caged Crusader”

and here on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5004230617/”>troll6

On the outside, sickness this troll would not seem to be the prime candidate for being a troll. He has a decent job, is quite well educated, is reasonably paid, is not a virgin, might even have a wife and family. However, he is a very bitter man. So bitter that he is seething with rage… not about things that might matter, let’s say hunger in the third world or unjustified violence, no. He seethes with jealousy…. and the best place for him to express that is the internet, where he can be anonymous (he thinks he is quite technically capable, but barely understands the power of the I.P. address). He HATES anyone he perceives as more talented than him. Or who has attained more than him. Or is a woman with any kind of talent. Or is a foreigner who has something to say about their adopted country. Worst is a foreign woman with some talent who has something to say about her adopted country (you MIGHT guess that I have a problem with this arsehole).

His vitriol knows no limits and leaves nasty snipey comments in blog posts, sometimes in a half jokey manner, trying to be clever with his nasty arsey thoughts.

He will end up alone after he alienates everyone in the real world. His only friend will be a bottle of whiskey.

 

 

Troll #7 “Girl Next Door”

troll7

This is one troll who ISN’T anonymous and is really an accidental troll. She is your next door neighbour, or your cousin, or you work colleague, or someone you met once and unthinkingly gave your blog address. She is a bit difficult, a bit humourless and a bit thick. She is also extremely politically correct. She doesn’t understand that your blog is not entirely real and leaves comments on your blog saying things like “but you don’t really look like that” and “that didn’t exactly happen like that, did it” not understanding that your blog persona is a big fat show off and the big fat show off is surpressed in day to day life. For a while she becomes your most assiduous reader – she’s fact checking – but after a while she just gives up, realizing that she just doesn’t understand the whole blogging thing.

Troll #8 “Totenkopf”

troll8

By day, he is a mild-mannered social worker. Gentle and kind, he works with under-privileged children or in a drug rehab unit. He is committed to using the correct terminology for every minority condition, and gently and oh so quietly corrects people if they say the wrong thing, like “midget” (little person) or “crackhead fucker” (person of high addictive propensity). He is shy and stutters when ordering even coffee over the counter, especially if it is a girl serving the coffee.

By night, he is “Totenkopf – the Destroyer”. It gives him a sharp thrill to bombard the internet with insane bilious abuse, conjuring images in his comments of violent acts on “sub-humans”, inciting jihad on the jihadists, and willfully seeking to insult (violently and disgustingly, with more shit, blood, bile and piss than you might generally be comfortable with) by saying the unsayable. In one evening of hellfire, he will loudly defend — in separate places — gulags, Guantanamo, lynchings, pogroms, gas chambers, shock and awe, with no affiliations to anything except the unspeakable.

It’s not that he actually believes or desires any of the shit that exudes from his skinny little fingers onto the keyboard — he couldn’t, he contradicts himself with every paragraph — he just craves like a drug the exhilaration that it brings.

 

 

Troll #9 “Athena”

troll9

In the real world, she is just a bit lost up her own arse. At least two divorces behind her, she used to beguile, but soon bored her husbands with her insane demands for attention on her terms. She lives expensively on the alimony and buys expensive clothes from special ladies’ boutiques, the kind you might find in Bath.

On-line she strikes the the unwary forum dweller and blog owner, first with compliments and agreement, but soon she cannot contain herself and it’s all “oh, DARLING, why didn’t you ask ME? I could have told you THAT!” and “AS an artist, I know only too well that….” and “I’M a PROFESSIONAL designer, and I have a strategy with my clients which…” and “Of course, as a novelist, I discovered that…”. Everything you say, SHE already knew it, ten years ago, twenty years ago, when she was an actress, when she was a TV producer, when she was a famous photographer. If you write about mothering, SHE’ll give you advice, although she has never HAD children, only step-grandchildren from one of her failed marriages. If you write about living in Greenland, SHE lived there for several years in the sixties (or rather, she didn’t). No one has ever heard of her, of course, but as she goes anonymously under the name of “Athena”, she assumes that YOU will assume that she is a genuine middlingly famous novelist photographer artist designer adventurer who doesn’t need to trade on her fame to have friends on the internet. She is not.

Troll #10 “Tokyo Dreamer”

troll10

He is an Emo-Hipster who spends half of each day getting ready to go out and the other half walking up and down the high street looking lanky. His hair his so straightened that it always looks greasy, his skin as pale as the glow from his laptop. He is an unfathomably enthusiastic fan of some band or other, like U2 or Tokyo Hotel… the kind of band that for some reason garners that kind of extreme fanship, when, as we all know, they’re not that good.

Online, he exists as a more flamboyant version of himself with accounts on all the social networking sites; facebook, bebo, myspace, deviantart (where he prowls around, appreciating emo-manga-crap-art) and several that you’ve never heard of, to keep the world up to date with his day to day thoughts on his existence and the odd photo of him vomiting into the gutter.

A large part of this online life is his band fan-dom, running various fanclub pages in various places and he scours the net for the merest mention of his FAVE band oh. my. god. they SPEAK to my SOUL, whoever they might be and rains down insults, abuse and sometimes even death threats on any unsuspecting blogger or twitterer who might have, in passing, denegrated the [frankly shoddy] work of his BEST BAND EVAH!
cialis malady on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/5006189906/”>troll7This is one troll who ISN’T anonymous and is really an accidental troll. She is your next door neighbour, pilule or your cousin, or you work colleague, or someone you met once and unthinkingly gave your blog address. She is a bit difficult, a bit humourless and a bit thick. She is also extremely politically correct. She doesn’t understand that your blog is not entirely real and leaves comments on your blog saying things like “but you don’t really look like that” and “that didn’t exactly happen like that, did it” not understanding that your blog persona is a big fat show off and the big fat show off is surpressed in day to day life. For a while she becomes your most assiduous reader – she’s fact checking – but after a while she just gives up, realizing that she just doesn’t understand the whole blogging thing.

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