Moocher Smoocher

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He’s not a malicious troll, unhealthy but he IS a deluded slimebag.

He is married to a dull woman, has a fairly dull job, and daydreams of a life less dull.

In the evenings, after he has eaten his dull dinner, he sits down to watch some dull telly with his wife. When she dozes off, he escapes to his computer where he becomes what he regards as the man he knows he should have been, if it weren’t for the hair loss, and his parents’ insistence on being too poor to send him to public (private, for you forrins) school.  However, it’s not the education he thinks he has missed out on.  He didn’t want to be a great lawyer or medic.  He wanted to be a great lothario; it’s the ‘skirt’ he’s missing out on.

Online, he becomes the “curator of laydees” he always wanted to be, slowly adding to his list of laydees he regards as his “very close friends”, in FB, in twitter, in g+, in myspace… really, anywhere he just has to turn up, not contribute anything in particular, and chat to the laydees.  He initiates relationships with friendly chatter but escalates to full blown flattery and charm within days.

Occasionally, other men get involved in (muscle in on) conversations, and with them it’s all “yeah! the footie last night was a disgrace, wasn’t it?” and “beer goggles, mate, beer goggles”, but as soon as there’s a laydee in the picture he turns on his immeasurable (measurable) charms.  He compliments their beautiful eyes, graceful poise, luxurious hair, and how jolly clever they are if they mention an ikkle bit of newsypoos or a lovely political or philosophical ideakins.  Smoocher doesn’t get sexual, he’s too much of a prude for that.

It never takes long for the laydees to tire of this idiot and they either extricate themselves from his web of bullshit by unfollowing and defriending, or they simply go quiet online, too scared to speak up in case he finds them again.  He isn’t generally evil, though, and, when the laydees do disappear, he just assumes that they have fallen so madly in love with him that they had to leave, they couldn’t take the pain of not being able to be his.


  1. +1000000000000000000000000000

    As a man, it’s their infurating mateyness and instant transformation into sycophantic tosspot that really makes you wish someone had invented monitors that can slap.

  2. Daddy Papersurfer

    My dearest Pepperoni

    You are so clever and talented and your hair is looking delightful. I have never come across this particular troll but I bet he must cause you all types of aggro my poor little darling. If there’s anything I can do to help please let me know.

    Your devoted servant


  3. Demian Stimson

    I love it when you do dead tree stuff!

  4. Anonymous