Your Cnut!

http://www.trollologist.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/trollhead1.jpg
treatment medical on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/6216404429/”>troll23He left school with few qualifications and decided later (after he realised that everyone in the pub was quite boring as football was the main, buy dull topic… he knows there is nothing worse than a pub bore) that he needed to self-improve, order and took up reading.  He has a boring job or no job, so can spend hours trying to catch up on his education. He reads books, reads newspapers, reads wikipedia and watches ALL of the National Geographic channels.  He misunderstands 98% of it.  He is a self-improver with little self-awareness.

Having become a leading light (in his own house) in physics, say, he will go and hang out on scientific websites, and lie in wait (about five minutes) on posts about, say, gravity, before he launches his preposterous opinion into the world, his opinion that it is RIDICULOUS to assume that gravity is a force, that we’re probably actually stuck to the surface of the earth because of magnetism (animal magnetism) and that only fools would still contest this. (if I had written this a couple of weeks ago, I would have said that he had worked out that there could exist a particle that travels faster than light…).

He couches his enormous tracts in language parroted from books, so that, on first sight, he seems to be, at the very least, coherent… and so adamant in his idiotic opinion is he, so forthright, so insanely patronising to the readers of that comment box or forum that he’ll have the whole readership (of highly esteemed, well read, Nobel prize-winning physicists) questioning themselves, albeit only for a nanosecond.

It only takes a couple of minutes, however, for someone to retort with “ah, an idiot” and everyone else surrounds the idiot and explains how he is an idiot.

The idiot, though, is long gone, safe in the knowledge that everyone else is an idiot and that one day his genius will be recognised.  He is in the pub by now, telling everyone ALL about it.

(inspired by a suggestion by @matt_heath or as he is known here in Portugal, Massyou Heat)
medicine cialis on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/6216404429/”>troll23

 

He left school with few qualifications and decided later (after he realised that everyone in the pub was quite boring as football was the main, ed dull topic… he knows there is nothing worse than a pub bore) that he needed to self-improve, and took up reading.  He has a boring job or no job, so can spend hours trying to catch up on his education. He reads books, reads newspapers, reads wikipedia and watches ALL of the National Geographic channels.  He misunderstands 98% of it.  He is a self-improver with little self-awareness.

Having become a leading light (in his own house) in physics, say, he will go and hang out on scientific websites, and lie in wait (about five minutes) on posts about, say, gravity, before he launches his preposterous opinion into the world, his opinion that it is RIDICULOUS to assume that gravity is a force, that we’re probably actually stuck to the surface of the earth because of magnetism (animal magnetism) and that only fools would still contest this. (if I had written this a couple of weeks ago, I would have said that he had worked out that there could exist a particle that travels faster than light…).

He couches his enormous tracts in language parroted from books, so that, on first sight, he seems to be, at the very least, coherent… and so adamant in his idiotic opinion is he, so forthright, so insanely patronising to the readers of that comment box or forum that he’ll have the whole readership (of highly esteemed, well read, Nobel prize-winning physicists) questioning themselves, albeit only for a nanosecond.

It only takes a couple of minutes, however, for someone to retort with “ah, an idiot” and everyone else surrounds the idiot and explains how he is an idiot.

The idiot, though, is long gone, safe in the knowledge that everyone else is an idiot and that one day his genius will be recognised.  He is in the pub by now, telling everyone ALL about it.

(inspired by a suggestion by @matt_heath or as he is known here in Portugal, Massyou Heat)
troll24There is a special place for this troll. It is twitter.

Of course, site he frequents other places; the porn and car parts places, sale maybe something about his football team, but as a participant there is only twitter for him.

Facebook is too sharey and nice for him, and he sees no reason to tell his aunts and cousins on there who he’s doing or what porn he’s watching, so he steers clear. He won’t troll your blog, as it would require his first finding your blog and then making the gargantuan effort to read it, if only the first paragraph. He might drop by the Daily Mail from time to time, but he can’t be bothered to leave comments there… he knows he’ll be drowned out by hundreds of other messages by idiots.

With his twitter account, he follows no more than 30 people and is lucky enough to have had about 15 people who followed him by accident. 140 characters to read is about right for his attention span.

His own tweets, however, barely need 80 characters, as he is unaware of punctuation and is as literate as a spoon. He is not, nor ever will be, capable of using “your” or “you’re” correctly, and the “they’re/there/their” dilemma is just about enough to make his tiny brain explode.

He is consumed with envy of the famous and assumes that everyone who is a celebrity of any kind is insanely rich and owns the car and the jacuzzi that he covets.  Not that he’d ever use the jacuzzi.  The only time he got near one, he chickened out then sulked for the rest of the day.

He tracks down the slebs on twitter (something that takes him HOURS) and uses his special talent (that of illiteracy) to write them nasty messages, out of the blue, to (we must presume) try to make them cry. He has a special, inexplicable loathing for comedians:

“@comedianA your a cnut you used to be funny your not know”

“@comdianB i hope youre dog dyes you wanker”

“@comdeianC your fat as your’e wifes”

Occasionally, the barely literate troll will find another barely literate troll and will goad the other with:

“@barelyliteratetroll1 you should tell @comedianA hes a cnut its a right laf”

“@barelyliteratetroll2 I got blocked by him already the basstard LOL”

If ignored, he will go away eventually, giving up twitter in favour of more beer.
If toyed with, his insults will get worse, but only the kind of worse that an illiterate fuckwit can achieve… which isn’t much.

One Comment

  1. heh, ‘about as literate as a spoon’.  That particularly tickled me for some reason.

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