Catalogue Troll

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She has spent far too much time on the internet over the last ten years, website like this with only a couple of bouts of abandonment of it, fed up with the influx of the slebs and plebs who have overshadowed much of what made the internet marvellous with their idiocy, inane truisms and dull gossip (oh, there’s a huge grumpy post on THAT somewhere, just waiting to burst like a boil).

On the surface, she is relatively pleasant and inoffensive, with a big stupid grin and big stupid shoes, drawing and writing bits here and there to amuse herself and sometimes others. She appears to spend plenty of time away from her computer, phone and tablet, out in the countryside, taking photographs of clouds and beetles and dead badgers, painting oddly coloured landscapes and cooking oddly coloured food

This is not the whole story, however.

An unhealthy number of her hours are really spent quietly reading comments and tweets and forum postings by repellent people and fools. She follows conversations that get out of hand on twitter, conversations between celebrities and jealous twits, or between bigots and non-bigots, or between the fairly clever and the incredibly stupid. She reads the comment boxes in The Daily *ail and *ky News websites, fonts of the truest moronity (it IS a word).  She braves the comment boxes in the Graun and the Torygraph, where the most bilious and ragesome find their fun.  She sneaks into the forums/fora to witness the righteous nerds and ubersnarks either battling it out between themselves, or smiting their mutual lessers.

At the end of a long day at the idiotface, she meticulously (if ‘meticulous’ can be used to describe sloppiness and wild generalisation) draws and describes the new specimens she has found, just like a 19th century botanist (if 19th century botanists had content management systems and the internet and electricity and electric paint).

Why does she do it? Warning less weary web-dwellers of the perils of engaging with the irksomes brings her true satisfaction. The possibility of maybe, just maybe, one day, one obnoxious twat recognising their own behaviour from the catalogue and desisting keeps her striving to continue. What brings unbridled joy in this pursuit, however, is labelling all these annoying internauts as species of the genus TROLL, because there is nothing a real old style troll hates more than our labelling as trolls these new form internet pests who aren’t exactly what THEY regard as trolls,(trolls as described in MS-DOS a hundred-and-thirty-two years ago).  They don’t seem to understand that language e.v.o.l.v.e.s.

That, and that she’s just a horrible old misanthrope who likes to take the piss.

One Comment

  1. Darren

    I see what you did there !