The Daily Troll


In terms of size, of reach, stomach of sheer numbers, more about it is the biggest troll of them all.

Normally, trolls and internet pests are solitary creatures, sitting alone under their digital troll bridges of crap.

The Daily Troll, though, is a many headed beast. It trolls millions of people every day, people who gladly give themselves up for the trolling. It employs hundreds of subtrolls to do its bidding, they who gladly traipse off to work not very hard (after all, there is the internet and phone hacking to do their job for them), to write stories that appeal to the lowest common denominator and annoy the hell out of the rest of us.

The Daily Troll screeches its headline at us: “Immigrants are here! RUN!”, “House prices SOAR, as temperatures PLUNGE, you: PANIC!!”, “EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER”. We sentient beings know we’re being trolled, but we go there, anyway, to be amazed and awed by the audacity and arrogance of The Daily Troll. We pass on its messages to our fellow sentient beings, saying “look what the hell they said THIS TIME!” and every time we do, every time another being clicks to see what the hell they said THIS TIME, The Daily Troll hears a little bell from under his bridge, a bell that doesn’t go “ting-a-ling”, but “kerCHING!”.

Occasionally, The Daily Troll hires a gullible soul, one who is greedier for fame and attention than they are for a good reputation and scruples. This gullible subtroll is hired to write awe-inspiring shite that will set the internet alight with its sheer stupidity, sexism or misanthropy and for a few moments, that gullible subtroll will bask in the nuclear glow of the world’s attention, while we pass it on and tweet it and facebook it and say to each other “holy shit (but it’s just a troll) but holy shit (I know it’s just a troll but I have to comment) no, but really, HOLY SHIT (godammit, I do know it’s just a troll, but JEEEEEBUS how can they say such things?)…. godammit, we’ve been trolled again, we knew we were being trolled, and the The Daily Troll has just made an extra three million quid on the back of it, godammit.” The gullible subtroll may be lucky enough to live in the middle of Exmoor or somewhere, lost in France, and will therefore survive the fallout, not that they care much, as they cashed in while they could.

And we never learn, because The Daily Troll is still there, every day, sucking us in, dragging us down the mire infested right hand “Lady Trolls” column, stuffed to the gunwales with celebrities who aren’t sufficiently ashamed of their cellulite or make-up-less-ness to have suicided themselves, and creepy exposés of very young daughters of celebrities being applauded for their stylishness and cute curves/skeletal frames, while elsewhere on the site, the Grand Troll frantically screams that there are paedophiles around every corner.

The Daily Troll can bugger off, but we just can’t let it go.

One Comment

  1. Julie Oakley

    Brilliant, delighted that you wrote this without naming the Daily Troll
    In addition to this can you direct your wit at the Professional Troll. One comes to mind, whose entire livelihood depends only on trolling.