click on Flickr” href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/6282801858/”>Her week is spent mentally concocting the perfect meal that she will lovingly craft (while screaming at her boyf for getting in the way while she is creating) for herself, more about her boyf and some recently found friends, prostate friends who don’t know yet that she is a culinary genius (her words). This Saturday (and every Saturday) her entire day will be dedicated to this epic menu. She will have sourced all the ingredients in the ‘right’ places, the best of everything, the most exclusive of everything (no Delia lackey, she) and money is no object (her boyf begs to differ).
She is an auto-didactic latecomer when it comes to good food. Since she realised that food was ‘cool’ in her mid twenties, she has read all the books, obsessively follows the trends in ‘modern cookery’, reads all the restaurant reviews, visits all the foodie blogs, though, like most trolls, she doesn’t deign/dare to blog her own blog. She boils with envy when she discovers that a food blogger has won an award for food writing, or has a big and active audience. She is outraged when her favourite (cliquey niche show offy) chefs are criticised in bad restaurant reviews. She seethes when she sees people talking rubbish about food, without having consulted her. Why? Because it is she and she alone who knows everything about food. Everything. She is an uber-foodie, she thinks.
But she is a size 6 (UK6, US4, EU34 etc.,… what I mean is that she’s a bloody stick insect… I’m trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice, I hope you understand, but hey, eating IS more important that getting into clothes, isn’t it?) and this squarely and completely rules out her status as any kind of foodie on any scale. Agreed? Agreed. She cooks all this food, and barely eats any of it apart from tasting it while it cooks.
Her trolling consists of anonymously raining down hell (and devil’s food cake) on ‘bad’ cookery ideas in forums, loudly stating facts like “anyone who has ever used a stock cube in their lives is an idiot and a fraud of the worst kind”. When her favourite chefs are lambasted, she gets out her turkey baster of bilious crap and accuses the reviewers of lying because they are jealous of the chef’s success. When someone she likes invents a pretentious dish of stewed rubbish, she will nod quietly and copy the idea for next week’s (unbearable and overwraught) dinner party. When someone she doesn’t like invents a pretentious dish of stewed rubbish, she proclaims it so all over the internet, seeking out people who dare to say that they like that particular chef/cookery writer/tv sleb and telling them they are idiots. She intentionally seeks out badly written recipes on recipe sharing sites, follows them to the letter so that she can complain in snippy tones to the original recipe poster that their recipe didn’t work, and why didn’t they use butter instead of margarine, because that’s how I do it and it’s much better. ETC.
Viva the good cookers and the good eaters!
lucy pepper is an illustrator and writer who probably should be concentrating more on working than spotting horrible twits on the internet. This is an accurate representation of her. you can find her on her website, malady